The Great Indian Television Sellout

It made me mad. Very mad. I never expected these guys to fall into the trap. Seriously! I always considered them to be cool. To be sensible. To be dedicated enough to their purpose to not give in. But they disappointed me. How could you do this Javed, Naved and Ravi? How could you sell out Boogie Woogie?

Now I don't really know since how long this has been on, but can't have been over three months for sure. I chanced upon seeing it today at my uncle's place, and it nearly broke my heart. Seeing Javed Jaffrey utter the words "danger zone" and "vote" almost made me throw up. It was as bad as any other show. The same melodrama, the same slowmo crying scenes, the same "janta ka faisla" line. The last bastion of "good old TV" has finally fallen.

I suppose the economics simply overwhelmed them. The revenue from sms would earn oodles more money than some that might be lost, if any, due to the sellout. Indeed, we are so desperate for entertainment, that its viewership would probably increase because of the increased percentage of daily soap in the show (obviously at the cost of reduced talent hunt). I've gotten so sick and tired of all these shows that follow one single pattern with minor changes, namely the host and the name of the show, it makes me think if things can go worse from here. This may sound strange coming from a fellow who has seen virtually no television for over 3 months now, but you get my drift.

There is a set of features I've observed in all of these shows, right from American Idol (whom I blame more than anyone else for the state of things) up to Sa Re Ga Ma Pa and what not. They are:

1. Judge wars: When the show starts getting a little dull, throw in a couple of shout fests between the judges, it livens up TRP's as nothing else does. For good measure, have it done by guys like Javed Akhtar or Himesh Reshammiya and air the juicy parts in promos for two weeks to ensure that no one misses the episode. They know very well by now that most Indians cannot resist seeing others fight, be it on the streets, across their homes or on the TV. It sells. So tell Anu to roundly criticize one contestant and Javed to adore him beyond belief. Then tell Anu to call Alisha a stupid bitch, and have Javed agree with him on that. Damn, I'm a genius!

2. Corny lines: Some I've already spoken about above. Then there is the usual stuff about how it's a competition, and how someone has to go. How it could well have been someone else, but maybe it just wasn't your day. How "yeh ant nahi, shuruat hai", and their many varied forms. Along with this, there are addons such as Anu's poetry, Alisha's swooning looks, Himesh's assertions of a contestant's future amongst others.

3. Enough tears to flood the city: Cry when you're sad, cry when you're happy, cry when you laugh too hard. But wait, that's too standard. Cry whenever. All times and places are good to cry. When you're done making the contestants cry, have the judges cry. Have everyone's families cry. Have the studio audience cry! Spare no man, woman or child. Then, whenever someone is crying, ensure that the camera is all over their face till you can see the streaks left on their cheeks and zoom in even further. Have surrounding people wipe the tears and pat their backs. Note that the tear wiping can be recorded at no faster than 10 odd frames a second (for those not technologically inclined, that is about 2.5x slower than normal video). When its all done, tell the hosts to cry as well.

4. Accusations of bias/unfairness/foul play: These come in different varieties. The commonest ones are biased judges, regional bias and supposed manipulation by other contestants. These can be easily embellished by picking up snatches of "natural" conversation between a crying contestant and a friend, where he/she talks about how another has been unfair.

5. Shock and despair: "Janta, yeh kya kar diya tumne!". Yeah, you're going, now where have I heard that one before? Pretty much everywhere! More often than not, the judge(s) express exceeding despair at how stupid the janta is, how they are being swayed by concerns such as how a contestant looks or where he/she is from, than by the quality of the singing. Well, dumbasses, YOU left the decision to them in the first place. So shut your trap and say, cool, if that's the way you want it. But nooo, they will go to great lengths to explain that how X who has the most votes is really not better than Y who is in the "danger zone" (how I hate that term...) and will probably get eliminated. Then lets not forget about the one contestant whom the judges routinely and unequivocally lambast, but who yet keeps getting through. At one point, the judges must decide that it is now a significant risk that the fellow might just finish at the top, and they should start praising him, just in case he wins. They can't risk having the contestant they kept calling a schmuck all through win the contest!

I'm sure there are a few more, but these are all that come to my mind. I've discussed this with a whole bunch of people. Virtually all of them are anguished that due to public voting, the truly talented never win, and thus the show does not serve its purpose. It has taken all my patience to sit and explain to these folks that the purpose is not to find the best, it is to make money. Period. But yet, they will attempt to explain to me alternate formats, where the judges have more weightage, or certain rounds where only the judges will score and so on. But hello, earth to people, did I not just tell you that they don't care a rat's arse about the talented winning?

More sms=more money. Easiest equation in the world. And these shows ensure that they do everything in their power to ensure that they maximize the left hand side, thereby maximizing the right hand side. Problem solved. Viewers are happy, they think they are now all powerful. The judges are happy, they have their checks. The production company is already laughing all the way to the bank. Which leaves us only with the contestants. Who cares about them? They can just go fudge themselves!