The Great Indian Television Sellout

It made me mad. Very mad. I never expected these guys to fall into the trap. Seriously! I always considered them to be cool. To be sensible. To be dedicated enough to their purpose to not give in. But they disappointed me. How could you do this Javed, Naved and Ravi? How could you sell out Boogie Woogie?

Now I don't really know since how long this has been on, but can't have been over three months for sure. I chanced upon seeing it today at my uncle's place, and it nearly broke my heart. Seeing Javed Jaffrey utter the words "danger zone" and "vote" almost made me throw up. It was as bad as any other show. The same melodrama, the same slowmo crying scenes, the same "janta ka faisla" line. The last bastion of "good old TV" has finally fallen.

I suppose the economics simply overwhelmed them. The revenue from sms would earn oodles more money than some that might be lost, if any, due to the sellout. Indeed, we are so desperate for entertainment, that its viewership would probably increase because of the increased percentage of daily soap in the show (obviously at the cost of reduced talent hunt). I've gotten so sick and tired of all these shows that follow one single pattern with minor changes, namely the host and the name of the show, it makes me think if things can go worse from here. This may sound strange coming from a fellow who has seen virtually no television for over 3 months now, but you get my drift.

There is a set of features I've observed in all of these shows, right from American Idol (whom I blame more than anyone else for the state of things) up to Sa Re Ga Ma Pa and what not. They are:

1. Judge wars: When the show starts getting a little dull, throw in a couple of shout fests between the judges, it livens up TRP's as nothing else does. For good measure, have it done by guys like Javed Akhtar or Himesh Reshammiya and air the juicy parts in promos for two weeks to ensure that no one misses the episode. They know very well by now that most Indians cannot resist seeing others fight, be it on the streets, across their homes or on the TV. It sells. So tell Anu to roundly criticize one contestant and Javed to adore him beyond belief. Then tell Anu to call Alisha a stupid bitch, and have Javed agree with him on that. Damn, I'm a genius!

2. Corny lines: Some I've already spoken about above. Then there is the usual stuff about how it's a competition, and how someone has to go. How it could well have been someone else, but maybe it just wasn't your day. How "yeh ant nahi, shuruat hai", and their many varied forms. Along with this, there are addons such as Anu's poetry, Alisha's swooning looks, Himesh's assertions of a contestant's future amongst others.

3. Enough tears to flood the city: Cry when you're sad, cry when you're happy, cry when you laugh too hard. But wait, that's too standard. Cry whenever. All times and places are good to cry. When you're done making the contestants cry, have the judges cry. Have everyone's families cry. Have the studio audience cry! Spare no man, woman or child. Then, whenever someone is crying, ensure that the camera is all over their face till you can see the streaks left on their cheeks and zoom in even further. Have surrounding people wipe the tears and pat their backs. Note that the tear wiping can be recorded at no faster than 10 odd frames a second (for those not technologically inclined, that is about 2.5x slower than normal video). When its all done, tell the hosts to cry as well.

4. Accusations of bias/unfairness/foul play: These come in different varieties. The commonest ones are biased judges, regional bias and supposed manipulation by other contestants. These can be easily embellished by picking up snatches of "natural" conversation between a crying contestant and a friend, where he/she talks about how another has been unfair.

5. Shock and despair: "Janta, yeh kya kar diya tumne!". Yeah, you're going, now where have I heard that one before? Pretty much everywhere! More often than not, the judge(s) express exceeding despair at how stupid the janta is, how they are being swayed by concerns such as how a contestant looks or where he/she is from, than by the quality of the singing. Well, dumbasses, YOU left the decision to them in the first place. So shut your trap and say, cool, if that's the way you want it. But nooo, they will go to great lengths to explain that how X who has the most votes is really not better than Y who is in the "danger zone" (how I hate that term...) and will probably get eliminated. Then lets not forget about the one contestant whom the judges routinely and unequivocally lambast, but who yet keeps getting through. At one point, the judges must decide that it is now a significant risk that the fellow might just finish at the top, and they should start praising him, just in case he wins. They can't risk having the contestant they kept calling a schmuck all through win the contest!

I'm sure there are a few more, but these are all that come to my mind. I've discussed this with a whole bunch of people. Virtually all of them are anguished that due to public voting, the truly talented never win, and thus the show does not serve its purpose. It has taken all my patience to sit and explain to these folks that the purpose is not to find the best, it is to make money. Period. But yet, they will attempt to explain to me alternate formats, where the judges have more weightage, or certain rounds where only the judges will score and so on. But hello, earth to people, did I not just tell you that they don't care a rat's arse about the talented winning?

More sms=more money. Easiest equation in the world. And these shows ensure that they do everything in their power to ensure that they maximize the left hand side, thereby maximizing the right hand side. Problem solved. Viewers are happy, they think they are now all powerful. The judges are happy, they have their checks. The production company is already laughing all the way to the bank. Which leaves us only with the contestants. Who cares about them? They can just go fudge themselves!

For the heck of it - I

Turns out that I last wrote anything (and I mean anything at all, with the notable exception of assignments) was back in September end. As always, I then became acutely aware of my ostensibly good writing skills (apologies for the seeming lack of any modesty) and decided not to throw away all of it by letting a thick layer of dust on it. It so happens that most stuff in my room has it already, so let me keep this safe at least! That made no sense, and neither will the rest of this post.

I am not writing today for want of things to do, it so turns out that finals are coming up in about 4 days, and I have realized that there are three subjects that require extensive studying, so time is more or less at a premium. There are also three assignments due Friday and a report, which need attention. This of course couple with the usual tasks of cooking and minimal cleaning. I had imagined that when I entered this land, I would have so much to write about, the new experience, the people, the culture, the infrastructure. Turns out that while there is something to write, I have barely scratched the surface of this place. Maybe part of it has to do with the fact that there has been nothing terribly noteworthy to write about, and the other part of it has been my lack of inclination.

It has been so long since I wrote a proper article, I have virtually forgotten how to. And now, no longer in VESIT, there is nothing here where I can submit my writing! Talk about enthusiasm dampeners with a damping coefficient>1! Ouch, geek alert! Now, I do realize that as I am rambling about, I am going into my usual cribber mode, but I am just letting the words flow, knowing all too well that no one is reading what I am writing. But there are thing I am suddenly learning about, and in the hard way too, about planning.

I am hoping to piece together in the near future, the second part of my MS treatise, which will deal with things I am learning only now about foresight. I had never known the pressure this place puts on you, not only in the context of you current academic performance, but also in many other ways, notably fiscal pressure on your current living, and the possibility of future fiscal pressure if your career does not take off. Agreed, those things are somewhere far in the future, but there is simply no dearth of things to worry about here! I now realize that I took the decision of going for an MS too lightly without considering the implications. Saying that I am repenting it would be going too far, but I see many, many things in a decidedly different light right about now. Then again, these ARE things I need to learn myself, and hindsight it always perfect!

Speaking about fiscal issues, I got my first paycheck two days back! And had the simultaneous pleasure of earning my first real pay, and the disappointment of paying my first taxes! It may not be a large percentage of the pay, but it turns out that the amount of tax I paid would have sponsored my lunch for nearly a month and it feels like a kick in the shins. :(

Rambled long enough for nobody's pleasure but my own. Now there is food to be cooked and studying to be done. Wish me luck!

The Vent - I

So here I am blogging again, after such a god forsaken interval of time, I often wonder why I don't quit altogether. But the keyboard always holds some lure that brings me back to it. The only writing I have done lately is the one I was made to in the written English exam out here. That was an essay and writing it did make me happy, so here I am, pounding the keyboard on Chakku's laptop. BTW, thanks a ton Chakku! This machine is my lifeline, with no phone, no TV, basically nothing.

That said, the title (probably one of many to come) serves the exact purpose of this piece. And the reason why I originally started blogging. Periods of uncertainty in my life tend to push this out of me. I keep it bottled up, it gets worse. I tell it to the world, they might call me a loser, but it still makes me feel better. I don't know why, but I have a nagging feeling of insecurity about myself at this point, no clue about how well or how badly I'll do, what the immediate future holds. Haven't spoken to the folks at home for nearly two weeks, so there is some strange worry perpetually at the back of my mind.

College is yet to start in earnest, but in the only 2 lectures I sat for, assignments have already been given, so studying has started yesterday too. Shopping needs to be done, I'm not sure what courses I'm getting and cooking cycle is not yet set. None are very big issues and things will probably sort by next weekend, but I can't shake off a sense of peculiarity today.

Doing this helps a bit. Guess I'll just sign off and go for a long walk :)

That Crazy Thing

Two species of people are particularly prolific all over India - madmen and Godmen. Who is holier of the two, is not as obvious as it seems. While Godmen occupy only certain 'exalted' locales, madmen are quite as omnipresent as about anything can be. You'll see them wandering on the streets, in torn clothes, matted hair, carrying out conversations with the infinite selves within themselves. Makes one sad to look at them, you wonder what the man must have gone through to end up in this state, and how pathetic it must be to live in that state of squalor. But then I think I've found an exception.

This one is technically a madwoman (sic), mad enough to qualify for an award. I have never seen her outside of a 20 ft stretch of road, and never seen that stretch of road without her for quite a few years. I can safely hypothesize that she rarely, if ever, has ever left that 'home' of hers. Usually, she is seated majestically on the footboard of one of the parked two wheelers. Her usual position is with her nose stuck up in the air, preening herself in a manner that can be described as regal. I saw her in conversation today, apparently with thin air, but practically with an entity she believes to be quite real. I think she considers herself to be a queen, and most of her routine conversations involve commanding mere minions to do her bidding. It doesn't quite matter to her that no such minions exist and that she lives off discarded food and is the object of hundreds of critical glances daily.

Gives me a feeling that she is much happier than most of us are. While its true that that her existence is quite unenviable and pointedly useless, she lives in a world where she is far better off than many of us who lead lives which have some 'point'. While we trudge through our daily share of miseries, she floats through them; for as far as she is concerned, they don't even exist! What put her into this condition must have undoubtedly been very traumatic, scars that deep which refuse to heal don't form easily. We human beings are surprisingly resilient. That given, she is probably far better off in her make believe world than she would be facing up to what has happened to her. After all, her reality is just as real as yours of mine. Isn't all reality ultimately what me make it out to be?

Of course, all mad men don't end up with the same kind of luck. Many of them spend their lives fighting with themselves (physically, literally), shouting abuses incessantly to an invisible enemy who won't leave them alone, and reliving some past incident that leaves them dithered. A strange way for the human mind to work. It makes you crazy when it can't take the pain, but only the lucky ones leave the pain behind. The others must simply live with it, not even understanding what it is that they are living. Or whether they are living.

Just so much for craziness, I'm suddenly detecting a lot of symptoms of it in myself! Heck, aren't we all; I just have a little more of it!

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

-Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

All of us sane people are the ones who are truly insane. And those we call insane, are dancing only for they can hear the music of The Maker...

Our weak Gods and strong devotees

Some things are in the news for all the wrong reasons. The omnipotent lord Ganesha in the Siddhivinayak temple happens to be one of these. Its been a while since the said terrorist threats against the temple, I haven't kept track of the time. Being a temple of such importance, it had to be protected, it was said. And so it was. A huge wall was built around the temple complex, footpaths for pedestrians were removed, traffic was diverted and a twenty four hour armed guard was established.

That, however, is not enough. Now, devotees are no longer permitted to offer coconuts or large garlands to the deity. Besides, as if the life of the residents isn't bad enough, it is proposed that the road be closed down to traffic for good. All this, in the name of the benevolent Lord Ganesha, a deity who never fails to grant what his devotees ask of him. One must wonder that if God now needs a safety net to avoid grenade from being flung in, how safe are any of us?

I've seen a similar scenario at Akshardham, New Delhi. While the temple is fantastic, the entry procedures betray such a strong sense of paranoia, that is puts you off from wanting to go there. They virtually make you strip, even after you deposit innocuous items like pen knives! Is this what it has finally come to? That we cannot even look up to God even to protect himself, let alone us?

Anyway, getting back to Siddhivinayak, rumour has it that they will soon be allocated protection by the Indian Army itself. As we speak, three tanks, five medium machine guns and two fighter planes (some Sukhoi variant) are on their way to protect this landmark. Any devotee to gain access will have to do a one time registration, where he will need to provide proof of identity, residence and bring two witnesses. Then, before each darshan, he must inform 24 hours in advance. When he comes, he must strip naked, pass through a metal detector, X-ray and MMR machine, and then wear special gowns which allow no concealment of weaponry or dangerous goods. Once inside, you must march straight to the idol, no stopping, bow once, and leave from the right exit within 60 seconds of entry, failing which you may be brought down by sniper fire.

Now, now. Don't complain. It is very necessary. If you want to crib, go to a lesser powered Ganesha or pray in your own home. But wait a second. Isn't the omnipotent, omniscient God present everywhere, in equal strength provided you have the faith? Naah. Siddhivinayak Ganesha is waaaay stronger. You have to go there. We enjoy having you here. Please come next time.

Let's go that way!

Everyone, me inclusive, has incessantly wondered where this country is going. What with reservations, moral policing, religious intolerance and the likes. I've always wondered where my life's going to, but that question will remain unanswered for good. Back to the country. Well, now you can stop wondering, because we have an answer! Downhill!

Once that is clarified, each one of us can now decide what we want to do. For instance, I now know that there is no point in pursuing engineering and am giving serious thought to joining the Sambhaji gang, the VHP, and possibly the ABVP. My life is getting highly frustrating and the simplest way to vent it out is some good old smashing!

Every now and then, I feel like hitting someone, breaking something. Sadly, that is not under the purview of legal things to do, UNLESS I can give a well justified reason for it. Example, a heart shaped card being sold in the nearby Archies store around February. It is clearly ruining my culture, unduly influencing Indian youth and pushing further our sell out to the West. I take umbrage, and as a dedicated citizen of this country, I have the right to smash the shop windows, burn the cards, and break the bones of the shop attendants. C'mon guys! Do you think I want to do all this because I'll enjoy this? Has any political party ever gone on a rampage because they LIKED to?

Nope, not at all. But the constitution does give me the Freedom of Expression. And once I'm in a mob, I can choose to express it anyway I wish to. Like the other day when I saw a guy walking in the mall holding hands with his girlfriend. That insults me, because I don't have a girlfriend whose hands I can hold and walk in the mall. It offends me and see it fitting that I haul up the guy for being indecent, bash him up soundly and hand him over to the cops.

I say our society is on the right path. We have finally woken up. The next logical steps are to ban all forms of Western clothing, revive Sanskrit by enforcing anti-English legislation and remove all foreign influences on our youth, most of all television and the Internet. And while we are at it, let us ensure that copulation is carried out with closed eyes, ears and mouths and performed only because it must be for the propagation of the species.

Now what the hell are you reading this for, do you want something broken Indian culture hater?