It's all a damped sinusoid...

Warning: Some unsolicited advice and a lot of cribbing ahead. Be forewarned. I've been nice enough to say this in advance even at the risk of losing my possibly solitary reader!

And so its been more than four months here. Things have changed definitely, some for the better others for the worse. Of course, in the long run, they are all going to work out. They always do.

So what is with the title of this post? Well, the engineers here are probably familiar with a damped sinusoid. For those who aren't, a damped sinusoid is something that moves above and below the axis, but as time increases, it starts staying closer to the axis, never quite touching it. That made no sense, so I'll put up a diagram here. The point here is that any experience in life starts with immense intensity- which may be positive or negative. That intensity eventually decreases till it them goes in the opposite direction. This continues till you feel become inured and feel virtually no intensity at all.

I am of course relating this with my experience here. I have never been bleary eyed about this place, but when I first came, there were just so many new experiences that there was no time to remember your family, friends, your city and country. But now things have settled into a routine and tales of the past start coming back to you. You remember your mom's cooking, your conversations with your dad, the crowds in your city, and all these sundry things. Its not that you'll cry from the memories but a lingering feeling persists.

Its so strange that after this time, I dreamed i was back home. Thrice. This week. I haven't had it for the last two days, but my dreams here have suddenly become "instant". That means that I each night I dream about the same day's events, not the week past, not even yesterday. Just today, and they are so arbitrary. I think they reflect in many ways the turmoil and uncertainty I currently feel.

Some things only Ground Zero can teach you, and now I think nearly all things are learned only the hard way. I guess looking at the short term only makes these lessons look a lot worse, but that is aforce of habit! The first reality here is: You will not like the thought of being in debt. As an individual, you are always in debt, to your parents, to society and many other individuals who shape you. But being in monetary debt is completely another matter. It suddenly changes your perspective because now your freedom has been constrained. Now you need to get your act together. Because you owe money. And you owe it in a certain period of time. And there is no way out. Things look rosy when you are sitting in India and you calculate that with an 80k job you'll have everything paid off in a couple of years. Then you work and save for another three years and then come back and all's well.

But then you find out that there are seniors, good fellows at that, who haven't been able to land a job, that the economy is entering recession and the picture flips 180. Now you're wondering what happens if you can't land a job and have to go back? Going back is fine, except that to pay everything off, you'll probably need six years now. Not looking too happy now, is it? Of course, many will point out (correctly) that I'm being a fatalist constantly conjuring up worst case scenarios, but optimism is not easy to come by.

And still you know that there are so many people behind you, people who you know will always put in their best effort to help you, come what may. These are the people who give you the confidence to go ahead and take a few risks, but then you always fear that you'll disappoint them. I don't know what my state of mind is right now, whether is is worse or better than this post makes it seem, but I have just had a lousy day. Just one of those days when there is stuff to do, and fight as you may, nothing seems to get done.

Keep your chin up brother, things will happen... :)